Sometimes I sit in my blue chair trying to remember
what it was like in the spring of 1950
before the burning coal entered my life.
I study my red hand under the faucet, the left one
below the grease line consisting of four feminine angels
and one crooked broken masculine one
and the right one lying on top of the white porcelain
with skin wrinkled up like a chicken's
beside the razor and the silver tap.
I didn't live in Paris for nothing and walk
with Jack Gilbert down the wide sidewalks
thinking of Hart Crane and Apollinaire
and I didn't save the picture of the two of us
moving through a crowd of stiff Frenchmen
and put it beside the one of Pound and Williams
unless I wanted to see what coals had done
to their lives too. I say it with vast affection,
wanting desperately to know what the two of them
talked about when they lived in Pennsylvania
and what they talked about at St. Elizabeth's
fifty years later, looking into the sun,
40,000 wrinkles between them,
the suffering finally taking over their lives.
I think of Gilbert all the time now, what
we said on our long walks in Pittsburgh, how
lucky we were to live in New York, how strange
his great fame was and my obscurity,
how we now carry the future with us, knowing
every small vein and every elaboration.
The coal has taken over, the red coal
is burning between us and we are at its mercy—
as if a power is finally dominating
the two of us; as if we're huddled up
watching the black smoke and the ashes;
as if knowledge is what we needed and now
we have that knowledge. Now we have that knowledge.
The tears are different—though I hate to speak
for him—the tears are what we bring back to the
darkness, what we are left with after our
own escape, what, all along, the red coal had
in store for us as we moved softly,
either whistling or singing, either listening or reasoning,
on the gray sidewalks and the green ocean;
in the cars and the kitchens and the bookstores;
in the crowded restaurants, in the empty woods and libraries.