A Diagnosis of the Maladies of Poets of the Modern Age

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in which I answer the pressing question: what is wrong with us?

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Choked on sunlight streaming through window

 

Loss of mental erections

 

Ate McDonald's hamburger as a child and can't stop feeling guilty about it

 

Thought so hard about his own father that he died

 

Memory problem -- too many memories

 

Fatally injured while attempting to morph into an animal

 

Can't ever cut beard or he loses his strength

 

Caught a tiny bit of sports in one eye; went blind

 

Wrote a Statement of Purpose and couldn’t stop; began shooting Statement of Purpose in forceful jets out of every orifice

 

Sat on a panel and it ruined her butt for all time

 

Compound linebreak in left leg

 

Dutch Elm disease, which the poet contracted while making out with trees

 

“Adult Soft-Spot Syndrome”

 

Drunk, always

 

Terrible growth in throat that dramatically recites her poems whenever she opens her mouth

 

Reverse Forrest Gump Disorder, where the person in question is very intelligent but never wants to move or do any sort of American duty

 

Caught rabies from a skunk, ROBERT LOWELL

 

Consumption