Book Nine

By Kathleen Graber Kathleen Graber

      One man prays: How shall I be able to lie with this woman?
      Do thou pray thus: How shall I not desire to lie with her?
      Another prays thus: How shall I be released from this?     
      Another prays: How shall I not desire to be released?
      —Marcus Aurelius


When we are lost in our longings, Aurelius, already it is too late:
there is already nothing we can do. I have rarely desired an end
to my desires. We are so in love with our wanting. Last week,
though doctors were quick to repair it, a baby in India was born
grasping her own beating heart in her fist. Today, a Dumpster
arrives from Dave’s Trash Removal & I begin to fill it. I toss in
a transistor radio that hasn’t worked in years. A man walking past
asks if he can take it. Later, he returns & carries off a broken TV.
A neighbor salvages the dented gray fuse box; a girl wants a window,
a paper bag full of tangled cords. All night I listen to the wind
& the echoes of feet kicking through rubbish, like a mouse nesting
inside a drum. My older brother is dead a decade. Yet here
in its enormous gold frame is the familiar, pastel portrait
someone named Maxwell drew for our mother, an inaccurate
rendering of the two of us when we were small. I can’t look at it;
I can’t throw it away. Every change is a death, you tell yourself,
turn thy thoughts now to thy life as a child. . . . One day, I tell myself,
I will shut all the doors, leave everything behind. The museum
is showing a hundred tricked-out Victorian photographs
of that other world: the hoax of floating fairies, women haunted
by ghostly blurs. Another century & still we want to believe
in what we know cannot be true. Your words, Aurelius, have found me,
but you could not. If we are disappointed, we have only ourselves
to blame: Wipe out thy imagination. We fill out hands when they are
empty. We empty ourselves when we have held too much too long.

Kathleen Graber, “Book Nine” from The Eternal City. Copyright © 2010 by Kathleen Graber. Reprinted by permission of Princeton University Press.

Source: The Eternal City (Princeton University Press, 2010)

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Poet Kathleen Graber

POET’S REGION U.S., Mid-Atlantic

Subjects Living, Sorrow & Grieving, Life Choices, Time & Brevity, Relationships, Family & Ancestors, Love, Desire, Classic Love, Heartache & Loss

Poetic Terms Free Verse

Biography

Poet Kathleen Graber grew up in Wildwood, New Jersey, the daughter of small business owners who ran an arcade on the Wildwood boardwalk. She earned a BA in philosophy at New York University, and in 1994, after years of teaching high school English, Graber was inspired while leading a class field trip to the Geraldine R. Dodge Poetry Festival to begin writing poems. She subsequently earned an MFA at New York University.
 
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Poems by Kathleen Graber

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SUBJECT Living, Sorrow & Grieving, Life Choices, Time & Brevity, Relationships, Family & Ancestors, Love, Desire, Classic Love, Heartache & Loss

POET’S REGION U.S., Mid-Atlantic

Poetic Terms Free Verse

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Originally appeared in Poetry magazine.

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