Step Father

By Emanuel Xavier Emanuel Xavier
He forgets that he used to call me mariconcito-
that I harbored years of hatred toward him
while hoping to find my real father. My
childhood memories of him reminding me
I was my mother's son, not his. I tried
to poison him once and scattered sharp nails
inside the shoes in his closet. By the time one
of his sons died of AIDS I was already lost
in contempt for the man I blamed for everything.
There was the time I was in love and he met my
boyfriend. Now he forgets to go to the bathroom
or where he is but he still remembers Michael
and asks about him. I help him walk slowly
outdoors to step outside the prison cell that is
the tiny apartment with no windows in which
I grew up abused by both of them. He barely
understands. His fate has been torture. I know
that I cannot be his savior. I used to pray for
him to die but here he is slowly fading. In his
eyes I see that he learned to love me and wishes
he could take it all back. He is unable to recall
those drunken nights and hateful words. I should
do the same. I left a long time ago but he still
remains haunted by the little boy who wanted
to belong. Like him, I want to forget that we
made mistakes and caused so much pain. I need
for both of us to remember how he taught me
how to ride a bike and how to swim and told
me, better late than never, that he loved me and
was proud of all I had done. I have to help him
settle into his favorite chair and let him know that
I forgive him. There is a place somewhere where
he will call me hijo and I will know him as my dad.

Poem copyright © 2013 by Emanuel Xavier, from Nefarious (Rebel Satori Press, 2013). Poem reprinted by permission of Emanuel Xavier and the publisher.

Source: Nefarious (Rebel Satori Press, 2013)

 Emanuel  Xavier


An Equality Forum LGBT History Month Icon, Emanuel Xavier is a poet and author of Ecuadorian/Puerto Rican heritage. As a former homeless gay teen and survivor of child abuse, he has staged many benefits for queer youth and is a longtime LGBT rights activist.

Xavier is the author of the poetry collections Nefarious (2013), Americano: Growing up Gay and Latino in the USA (2012), Pier Queen (2012), If Jesus Were Gay & other . . .

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Poems by Emanuel Xavier

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Originally appeared in Poetry magazine.

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