Joseph Rathgeber's NEA Win, a Mixed Experience...

After receiving a phone call notifying him of his NEA, poet Joseph Rathgeber took the night to research the award: "(NB: this is where the psychofuckery begins)," he writes for The Fanzine. "I scoured the NEA website—reading its history, its criteria, its funding." More:

...Most interesting was a PDF brochure of previous recipients—a list of impressive names—authors I’ve read in school, authors I’ve taught, whose books I own. I learned how some incalculable percentage of Pulitzer, National Book Award, and National Book Critics Circle Award winners had received NEAs early in their careers. I found it difficult to believe I was in such company. Could I be destined for similar literary eminence?

When the fellowship recipients were formerly announced, I googled each name on the list. They were mostly established writers—bestsellers, MFAs, residencies, full Wikipedia pages. I was, by my estimate, the misfit.

This habit of researching authors and comparing stats is something I’ve developed over time. I pay particular attention to age, my thinking being, “If I’m younger than you, I’ve still got time to catch up.” Whenever I receive the complimentary copy of some lit mag in which my work appears, I read the contributors’ notes before any of the actual work. This competitive spirit has haunted me for much of my life. I used to blame it on the cutthroat ideology of Michael Jordan, my childhood hero. I explored this very idea in a hybrid work called MJ. Somewhere in the course of writing the book, though, I realized the competitive drive had more to do with my upbringing than Michael Jordan (shout out to my therapist!).

The incessant comparing is debilitating—it eats time. I can’t tell you the hours I’ve wasted learning about other writers’ accomplishments when I could be working on my own writing. And I was appalled by my behavior as well. I felt like I was failing to live up to my own ethics and beliefs. I know this prioritizing of competition over cooperation is encouraged by a profit-driven culture where success usually means your privileges have lined up in a constellation of inclusivity, opportunity, and acceptance. I spend my personal, professional, and writing life fighting against this ideology, yet...

Continue reading "How I Won an NEA Fellowship and Stopped Having Fun" here.