When my mother died, eight years ago, I stopped reading poetry. A strange thing for a poet to say, but it’s true. In fact, it wouldn’t be overstating it to say that I hated poetry after my mother died.

Poems felt false. I resisted, especially, the kind of piece whose impulse is to resolve. These poems, many of which were sent to me by well-meaning friends, reduced death to a salvo. It was unbearable to be confined to the limits of their “meanings” at a time when the territory of mourning was expanding before me, and it appeared to be infinite.

My discomfort with language spread from poetry to moment-to-moment thinking. People said that I would find a metaphor for where my mother was. I understand this often happens for grieving people. But when my mother died, I grew suspicious of metaphor. Metaphor insisted: your mother might be the sea. I tried to imagine her as the sea. I tried to feel around in my soul for whether my mother could ever become the trees. But I couldn’t. Metaphor said: you are deficient, you have not found a place for her.

I could not imagine what form she might take partly because I had not settled for myself that she had “gone.” Even today, I sometimes hesitate at the verb. Occasionally the people who wanted to comfort me in grief seemed discomforted themselves. Their faces were tense, as if anticipating an unreturnable emotional volley. I tried to find an expression that felt honest and, at the same time, safe to use after a casual “what’s new?” There wasn’t one.

I remember once, when I was 12, trying to reckon with the idea that my mother would one day not be here. I promised myself that when the time came, I would say “dead,” because it was the true word. I understood “passed away” as a pretend phrase adults use when speaking to children and the infirm. Decades later, when I came back to claim the truth, I discovered that “died” is only a syllable from the slipstream, useful for emails to one’s employer, but otherwise featureless as a light switch.

Poetry felt drained of its possibilities by the time I stood graveside. My disorientation with language was complete as my mother’s coffin was being lowered into the ground and the rabbi read out her name: Elaine.

Elaine. Something seemed off to me about this. A mistake. Maybe even a lie. I don’t know why, but I was absolutely certain of one thing: That is not her name anymore. It was as if someone had whispered this message into my ear. It did not have to do with anything poems had said, or anything people were saying after the funeral, as we were spooning egg salad and potato salad into bowls. “Elaine is with Tom now,” someone told me. And “Elaine is in a better place.” Not Elaine, I thought to myself, as if it were an obvious error of fact that any proofreader would catch.

The next week, while going through my mother’s things, I found an old etiquette book. In the chapter on condolence, there was a drawing of a woman’s hands, narrow, graceful, cartoonish 1950s hands, holding a teacup. The grieving person, said the book, will forget to eat, but she may accept a cup of bouillon. Reading that, I felt, truly, like a pale gold light moved over me. I felt the weight I had been carrying ease just a bit. The etiquette book was not elegiac. It did not offer beauty, or a “message.” Its author spoke from a time when people thought about grief and knew what to do when it happened, a time when grief was an ordinary household condition. The grieving person, the etiquette book explained, is ill. The assessment was as flat and serene as a sickroom tray. This language had possibility. The etiquette book offered a calm voice, recognition, an assurance that I wasn’t falling through space.

Several months later, I was sitting in a theater watching Sarah Ruhl’s play Eurydice. After marrying Orpheus, Eurydice dies. In the underworld, there is a chorus of stones that addresses the audience.

Eurydice wants to speak to you.
But she can’t speak your language anymore.
She talks in the language of dead people now.

This was it. Further to the communiqué I had received at my mother’s grave, and to my problem with poetry while mourning.

The play said: elegies are false. They think they can talk to the dead, but dead people speak in the language of the dead, and we can’t.

Eurydice is about the playwright’s own bereavement. After dying and traveling to the underworld, Eurydice sees her father, but she does not recognize him. An ocean of sadness opened up in me as I watched. This play understood what the loss of a person means. I couldn’t speak to my mother not because I didn’t know where she was, and not because I had too little faith or imagination to envision where she was. I couldn’t speak to her because I could not recognize the Her she had become.

For me, the vital part of grieving was not to try to “resolve” or cross this distance. It was the distance. Eurydice led me back to poetry because it is not an elegy. It is about being left behind.

I began to think there could be a poem about death that was as large as this distance. Or that a poem about death might enact a failure of language that seemed to me the truest part of my mother’s absence.  

In the years since, I have found poems into which I can take my remnant grief. It took me a while to sense what kind of writing I could trust with it, because my relationship to poetry was shifting. Owing to my mother’s death, I had become uneasy with closure and impatient with poems that offer epiphanic “truths.” Poems of sorrow, especially, needed to do something else.

The ones that sustain me, I find, have to do with living people, humans who mourn, rather than with the departed. These poems are not “like” grieving—they are not lamentations—but instead open up the isolating process of mourning. They translate sorrow through poetic form rather than confining it to a metaphor. Here are a few of them.

 The narrator of Ai’s “Cuba, 1962” is a plantation hand who discovers his lover dead in the sugar cane. First he cuts off her feet with a machete—“what I take from the earth, I give back.” Then he takes her body to market with the crop.

Whoever tastes my woman in his candy, his cake,
tastes something sweeter than this sugar cane;  
it is grief.
If you eat too much of it, you want more,  
you can never get enough.

I couldn’t have imagined there was anything surprising to say about death. But this poem surprises me by rhyming grief with greed. It shows me a stage of mourning I passed through without realizing: punishing aboundingness. When my mother died, so many people brought cakes to the house, the soft, airy kind that always seem to be frosted a lip-staining blue. I ate and ate. The cakes made me sick, and they never satisfied. The person speaking in “Cuba, 1962” is a laborer, but the labor in the poem is sorrow. Sorrowing is work, and it does not satisfy. At the end of each day I did not know how far I had come or when I would be done. Grief was infinite, and yet no amount was enough.

“Cuba, 1962” feels true to me because the pain in it is not assuaged. The poem is brutal, and it is a love poem. It is almost a reproach of sympathy-verse. So often the “comfort” in grief poems seems like pretense. I feel easy around this poem; paradoxically, the way it forsakes comfort comforts me. It reminds me of the condolence card I got from my mother-in-law: Dear Joy, she wrote, Do you feel like you have a hole in your heart that nothing can fill? Her question held a mirror up to my pain. This twinning of grief was generosity itself, in the form of a question I was not obligated to answer. Do you feel this? Not death feels like _________.

Christina Davis, in her incantatory poem “Furthermore,” focuses on the body after the death of her father. I love the ancient sound of lines such as these:

[…] to have for a body

the going away of the body, to have for eyes
the going away of the eyes. And for hearing,

a silence, where once
were people.

What the poet has left of her father—what she gets to keep—is even less substantial than a memory. Her father has become an abstract process, the-going-away-of. And there is more transformation: the body is also the poet’s body. All she can see with her own eyes is the going away of his.

“Furthermore” is the opposite of poems that make the site of mourning an object, such as an ocean or a tree. In those poems, an image becomes a reliquary, a stand-in for a person who was once able to see it. Images can be objects of faith: a poem can make a tree more real than a real tree (to misquote Marianne Moore). But in this poem, I find the lack of image more faithful to experience.

In a way, “Furthermore” argues against the faith poems place in images. A passage in Psalms, echoing this poem, explains: “Eyes have they, but they see not; they have ears, but they hear not.” In the psalm, the Jews are being instructed to reject idols. Instead of worshiping gold effigies, they are supposed to rely on a God whose presence is abstract. A process. Not wind or vapor, but the fact that wind and vapor are created.

How to turn, in need and sorrow, to a process, where so recently there was a living body? In return for my mother, I had going-awayness and, after a while, having-goneness. Davis’s acceptance of this transformation, in “Furthermore,” strikes me as a strong act of faith.

Mary Szybist’s “On Wanting to Tell [         ] About a Girl Eating Fish Eyes” questions poetry’s faith in metaphor, even as it is full of metaphors. “On Wanting to Tell” is really about a helpless way of seeing that happens in grief. Death creates an intensity of perception that causes objects of the world to change:

You died just hours ago.
Not suddenly, no. You'd been dying so long  
nothing looked like itself: from your window,  
fishermen swirled sequins;  
fishnets entangled the moon.

“You’d been dying so long, nothing looked like itself.” In death’s slow approach, starlight became sequins. This is a romantic metaphor, spun of sweet sorrow. But “On Wanting to Tell” is not the kind of poem that turns starlight into sequins. It is not sweet, either. Death has come finally. Metaphor disappears.

Now the dark rain  
looks like dark rain. Only the wine  
shimmers with candlelight.

In mourning, it would have been a relief to find, even for a minute, that the world was just the world again, and nothing was “like” anything else. An ordinary minute in a universe where my mother wasn’t dead, and the rain was not charged with loss. But this moment, when the rain is simply the rain, is not a resolution. The world of this poem is not normal. We know this because in its first lines, before any mention of death, there is a little girl going around eating eyes.

—how her loose curls float
above each silver fish as she leans in
to pluck its eyes—

Is a girl actually going around the room and pulling eyes out of fish and eating them? Is “eating eyes” a metaphor? It is unclear. All we can tell for sure is that the speaker of the poem is at a dinner party where she turned from an ordinary wine-drinking person into a person-who-is-still-alive. It is a very, very odd moment. She speaks to the dead person, but wishfully, not with any investment in communicating:

If only I could go to you, revive you.
You must be a little alive still.

At the end of the poem, the girl who has been helping herself, apparently from platters of eyes, is asked what they taste like. She responds: “They taste like eyes.” Metaphor declined—no explanation, no truth revealed, no diversion from the weirdness.

Szybist’s voice throughout the poem is pacific, hypnotic. And there is tenderness (awful tenderness) in the description of the girl slipping eyes into her mouth with “soft,” “rosy,” chewed fingers. The creepy girl hovers in the uncomfortable place between metaphor and reality as the poem wonders about the border between still-alive and no-longer-alive.

Ted Berrigan’s poem “People Who Died” does not want to set me up for philosophical understanding. It does not have flashy chops. It moves obviously, deliberately, like someone laying down a weapon in surrender. The poem, as the title announces, is simply a list.

     Pat Dugan……..my grandfather……..throat cancer……..1947.

     Ed Berrigan……..my dad……..heart attack……..1958.

The people who died are Berrigan’s family and friends. The recitation is chronological, so it intermingles the legendary and the obscure:

     Woody Guthrie……dead of Huntington’s Chorea in 1968.

     Neal……Neal Cassady……died of exposure, sleeping all night
                                            in the rain by the RR tracks of Mexico….1969.

     Franny Winston……just a girl….totalled her car on the Detroit-Ann Arbor
                                    Freeway, returning from the dentist….Sept. 1969.

    Jack……Jack Kerouac……died of drink & angry sickness….in 1969.

It’s not that the poem refuses to confront death’s mystery or that the experience of grief is missing from “People Who Died.” Quite the opposite. Grief is in the poem’s form. It is in how Berrigan trips up, interrupting his list, pausing and then continuing, as though snapping out of a reverie. “Jack……Jack Kerouac.” In the hesitation, I feel a tension. The poem doesn’t tell me how to interpret this pang—I am free to take it as sadness, or as an emotional double-take. The ellipsis could be a crack, just a flash of the infinite territory of sorrow. The details of their relationship aren’t important. The epic of Kerouac’s life could have crushed this poem. “Drink & angry sickness” compresses a life into a teaspoon of radioactive material. It satisfies the part of me that wanted adults to tell it straight.

The poem closes: My friends whose deaths have slowed my heart stay with me now. The pitch of the last line is not so different from the rest of the poem. It is a gesture of acceptance, not a reach for the lyrical sublime. It is a low-key observation.

Whose deaths have slowed my heart describes the cadence of this poem, calm as a resting heartbeat, or a train on a long nighttime stretch. My friends stay with me now limits the poem to saying something about Berrigan. “People Who Died” makes no pronouncement about my relationship with my own people who died. But because the poem is so modest, I feel invited into its ongoingness, the train that carries all the dead and the living.

Originally Published: October 30th, 2013

Joy Katz is the author, most recently, of All You Do is Perceive, a Stalecher Selection at Four Way Books and a National Poetry Series finalist. Her other collections are The Garden Room (Tupelo) and Fabulae (Southern Illinois). Her honors include an NEA fellowship, a Stegner fellowship, and a Pushcart...

  1. October 30, 2013

    I facilitate poetry writing with residents of nursing
    homes. My U3A poetry group will enjoy your article if I
    may have permission to copy it. Death in a nursing home
    intrudes all the time. Residents are cautious about
    friendships, the unspoken is about being here to die.
    Imagine coming to terms with death as your career path!
    Writing poetry celebrates life - we never write about
    death as a group - only as individuals in a one-on-one
    situation.Your article will be a bridge just to take
    away and think about. Poetry is a new friend to
    residents - a new skill - a new medium to explore. Thank
    you for expanding their horizons.
    Robyn Youl

  2. October 31, 2013
     Catherine Halley

    You're welcome to use article. I hope your students will find it useful.

  3. October 31, 2013

    My grandfather died when I was a young adult. We were very close and
    grieving was hard, perhaps made worse by feelings about my deceased
    father that I never knew. My mother gave me a copy of "Dirge Without
    Music" by Edna St. Vincent Millay, and it helped heal some wounds. My
    grandfather would have appreciated that. He insisted I major in English
    afterall. Since that time I have copied and given it to others in time of
    need. Everyone should have a grieving poem at hand.

  4. November 1, 2013
     Jim Perlman

    My mother's passing in 2007 and my attempts to find solace and insight led me and three friends to co-edit and publish "Beloved on the Earth: 150 Poems of Grief and Gratitude" (Holy Cow! Press, 2009). The collection has brought a good deal of comfort to many of us who are grieving. --Jim Perlman, Editor & Publisher

  5. November 2, 2013
     W.Christopher Connor

    What a wonderful Essay about a very Difficult Eventuality. Takes us on a Jouney of Souls and
    Survivors.Perhaps it is the survivor that suffers the loss of a little Bit of themselves and the safety of avoiding Diving into such complex feelings.You can't just corner those Feelings off when a serious loss occurs.It's a River of a journey that will take you downstream in its own Miter and Time.

  6. November 2, 2013
     Toby Speed

    "Do you feel like you have a hole in your heart that nothing can fill?" Beautiful, insightful essay, one that I needed to read right now. I lost my mother last October and have not been able to fill the well - with anything, including poetry. Thank you, Joy.

  7. November 3, 2013
     Tim McGrath

    Jim Carroll could dribble basketballs and couplets like
    a snake:

    Sly in Vietnam took a bullet in the head,
    Bobby OD'd on Drano on the night that he was wed.

    Those are people who died, died
    Those are people who died, died

    Judy jumped in front of a subway train,
    Eddie got slit in the jugular vein.

    Those are people who died, died
    Those are people who died, died

    Carroll wrapped these lyrics in a punk rock masterpiece.
    Not many were as talented as he.

  8. November 5, 2013

    It's a very appropriate coincidence that I came to Poetry Foundation's website today and the featured essay is yours, regarding the emptiness of grief. I am a mere dabbler in the wide offering of poets of the world, but I was looking for things to read tonight. I can't sleep, because the sudden and unrelated spate of deaths of some acquaintances and friends' family members, four in the last 2 weeks, is weighing on me. (I have never felt so lucky to be out of the loop or discluded from my social circles). I hope my friends can glean some solace in the lack of comfort that words can never fill, and I'm giving support from a distance, because I can't be there with them all. Thank you.

  9. November 6, 2013

    Excellent. Is not writing a poem also dying of some part of self with the dead?

  10. November 7, 2013

    "Poems felt false. I resisted, especially, the kind of piece whose impulse is to resolve."

    This. Exactly this. Thank you so much for putting it into words.

  11. November 8, 2013

    But: memories, photos, and words are all you have left when the person you love won't come through your door any more. Choose words of the right size and color and meaning: something will fit.

  12. November 8, 2013
     Neal Whitman

    November 9 will be session #5 in a series of 6 sessions another
    hospice volunteer and I are co-leading, "In Your Own Words." Our
    participants are folks in bereavement. As there is no single grief
    process, there is no single answer to the question of if and how poetry
    helps. All said in Joy's essay and in the comments offer individual
    voices deserving to be heard. To add my voice, poetry can be a
    companion for some. As I look at my own experience with loss and at
    the experiences of those I counsel one-to-one and in groups, poems
    make good companions for those not asking for someone to explain
    what has happened … that need might come later. In the early stages
    of grief, somone is trying to find his or her own explanation. Poems
    then are well-suited. Readers of poems are welcomed to look for their
    own explanation -- at least that is one good poems do. Isn't that why
    the words, THE END, do not appear at the bottom of the page?
    Amicus poeticae,
    Neal Whitman, hospic volunteer

  13. November 8, 2013
     Joan L. Cannon

    To answer the question of this article's title: in my early life I was never
    able to make any kind of adjustment to the deaths of my grandparents,
    my parents, two college friends. Ours was a family of complete stoicism.
    At 85, I still feel acutely my father's death. When my alter ego, best
    friend, and husband of 57 years died, I took to poetry. In a few months I
    will have a volume of poetry out, almost half of which addresses
    accommodation and acceptance of grief. Some of the poems echo
    exactly that sense of absence so vividly described here. Thank you.

  14. November 9, 2013

    Neal, if you see this, please post answer (hope that's OK w/you, Poetry): which hospice runs such sessions? I'm a pastoral care student. Thank you.

  15. November 9, 2013
     Jennifer Roche

    I feel poetry has been my go-to source when I am grieving the loss
    of a loved one. Some of my best pieces have been written when I
    was at my most vulnerable. If we learn to harness those raw
    feelings of grief and create something beautiful as a result, those
    we are grieving, live on forever through our words! Writing,
    especially poetry, has gotten me through some of the toughest
    times in my life! When I feel overwhelmed by my emotions, I create
    a poem to release those feelings so I can breathe again! Poetry is
    pure emotion; use your feelings to write through the pain and

  16. November 13, 2013
     Neal Whitman

    The Nov. 8 posted comment from Marcia asked for provider of the
    hospice workshop. We are the Hospice of The Central Coast,
    Community Hospital of the Monterey Peninsula. This is located in
    Monterey, California. Our 6th and last session is Nov. 16 which time
    we will read and discuss my own haiku -- in sessions of 1 - 4 I
    brought poems by others and in session 5 the participants brought
    poems of their choice. One of my haiku below. I am pretty "findable"
    on the Internet if you want to seek out more info.
    Neal Whitman
    its been a year
    her sweater on the chair

  17. January 12, 2014
     Erika Haines

    What a poignant piece on death and trying to find the fit of the right
    words to appease, to create solace. My only experience with death is
    that of my paternal grandfather, whom I knew and loved, but was not
    very close to or able to visit with very often. When I was about 14, he
    died, and my father, with whom I was partially estranged at the time,
    asked me if I wanted to go to the funeral (he would fly me there and
    otherwise his family would accomodate me); I chose not to go. I just
    didn't feel comfortable with that side of my family--I didn't feel I had
    much of a place there--I was still growing up, and to face death amidst
    all that was the last thing I wanted to do; perhaps it was a bit cowardly,
    and I still somewhat regret that I didn't go when I think about it from
    time to time, but why should I show up at a funeral for a person who
    barely showed up for me in life?

    I have never been able to, nor have really had to, face death since then.
    Even my dog that I got when I was twelve, who I love dearly, who is,
    perhaps, more family to me than my grandfather was, has lived and
    continues to live a long and joyous life at sixteen-and-a-half-years-old
    (small breed…can you believe it?). The vet says he cannot believe how
    young and healthy, how vibrant she is for her age.

    So it is like I am holding off death in my life, somehow stepping on all
    the right stones to stave off the experience of grieving. Until I falter, and
    death comes and steps on me.

    When my mother was diagnosed with cancer twice in the past three
    years--first a life-threatening tumor the size of a tangerine on which
    doctors had to operate within two days of finding out it was even there;
    and second, a smaller, basically benign tumor in her kidney--I thought I
    would have to face death very nearly. I was never more scared in my life.
    I am twenty-seven, and I still didn't think I would be able to survive
    without her. By some unseen grace, my mother is healthy to this day,
    though they say you can never be one hundred percent sure of the
    "goneness" of cancer, that you have to continue monitoring and testing.
    But a lifestyle shift occurred--we both quit smoking (this was months
    before she was even diagnosed with cancer, so it cannot really be seen
    as happening as a result of her diagnoses), we eat healthy down to the
    very spices we consume, consume cancer-fighting herbal supplements,
    and we do high volumes of all-natural all-organic non-GMO fruit and
    vegetable juicing. Life is as normal and alive as ever.

    I suppose the death I experienced was a Death to Cancer: what once was
    so immediately and suddenly alive and at our doors--the very threat of
    disease--came, and then went almost as suddenly as it had first
    appeared. A death to fear, a death to helplessness, a death to
    hopelessness--all of these things are more real to me than the passing
    of a living being.

    I don't miss cancer, and there is no hole in me to fill to replace it with:
    just a big vertical scar on my mother's tummy from where it was
    removed. There is no bereavement for cancer. There is a marching
    parade; it celebrates the triumphs of modern and holistic medicine with
    sparklers and banners. There are post-cancer blogs, a reaching-out to
    all those currently afflicted, themselves facing death head-on. We fight
    death every day. Until it comes for us or ours, we fight death and
    sometimes, we win.