Kristen Gallagher's '3 Pieces That Are at Least 85% Accurate'

A little happy something left over from last week . . . here may we present "3 PIECES THAT ARE AT LEAST 85% ACCURATE," by Kristen Gallagher, published at Fanzine. Yes we may. Or at least 15% of it.

The water company said most home sewer systems are “open,” meaning that at some point between every house and the main sewer line, or in the sewer line itself, a pipe has separated or broken, so anything can get in.

NOTES on Buford Marinus;

misnamed by a Dutch Zoologist who believed the toad to inhabit both marine and terrestrial environments; renamed Rhiannella Marinus, which fails to conform to the rules of gender agreement in zoological nomenclature; renamed Rhiannella Marina. As a result of this confusion, one may find any of these names used to refer to the creature.

In the future, militiamen will “milk” the supertoads for their toxin and employ it as an arrow poison; toads will be hunted as a food source and eaten after the careful removal of the skin and parotoid glands; their meat will be considered a good source of omega-3 fatty acids; the toxins in small doses will be used in a number of new ways: a product called bufotannin will be used in the Isle of Kashmir as an aphrodisiac and a hair restorer, and in cardiac surgery on Mongol to lower the heart rates of patients, and in the Disaster Zones it will appear on the black market to treat limp dick and men who piss blood. The only commercial application of the toad poison in the Disaster Zones will be its use in pregnancy testing, by then a mandated, monthly, paid and enforced duty, and the toad toxin will provide the cheapest fastest way to keep up with demand, and tho the government claims this practice comes with the added benefit of controlling the spread of these poisonous supertoads, in secret it breeds them and supports the entire bufotannin black market of the Disaster Zones, where supertoad toxin is the new oxycontin.

You're welcome!